Crushes are stupid
*nods at audience and clears throat* Good evening. Today I will present a lecture on a much-discussed topic in today's society: Crushes. *paces a few feet* Crushes have become a natural part of the high school world. In fact, a survey conducted by the National High School Industry shows that 86% of adults relate an image of, I quote,"giggling girls blushing and watching as the guy they like walked by," to your average high school.
*looks at audience in face* No joke.
*continues to pace* Gossip revolves around crushes. Secret diaries revolve around crushes. Sleepovers revolve around crushes. And with such astounding emphasis put on crushes, we, as a nation, are forced to consider this seemingly unimportant topic seriously. We are forced to ask: Are crushes destroying our society?
Most fail to remember the etymology of the word "crush." It is no coincidence that crushes were given their name. Crushes are crushing. They hurt, they give pain, they crush. 15-year-old Abby in Naperville Chicago says, "I've had this crush on a guy for 3 years now. He doesn't even look at me. I cry every night."
Academic issues are no longer of prime importance--they are not worth crying over. Family issues are put on the backburner--they can wait. But social problems? Now. Here. Cry. Or not now, not here, and don't cry. Call up a friend, wait 5 minutes, then wail.
"Bobby doesn't like me."
"Fred likes someone else."
"Richard didn't ask me to the dance!"
"What am I going to do???"
In another survey conducted by the National High School Industry, 56% of the teenage population attributed the majority of their tears to crushes. *looks at audience again for impact* This is compared to 21% who cried over other social problems, 10% who cried over school, 10% who cried over family, and 3% who cried over other problems.
56%. The figures are astounding.
"There's this guy I can't stop thinking about. I'll be in class, and he'll wave at me through the door, and I'll freeze and forget to take notes for the rest of the period." Maria Selyne, Lakewood Tenessee.
"I used to be a good student. I got straight A's, and went to Washington DC annually for contests. Then I met him, and nothing else seemed important." Jayne Woods, Florida.
Crushes have become the new best time waster. Teenagers get on AIM to rant about people they like, or write in their diary for hours talking about a smile, or a frown. Their work ethic disappears and their crush takes priority over everything else. What's worst is the teenagers can't help it.
"I know I shouldn't like this guy. And I'm doing my best to avoid him. But all I end up doing is thinking about him more, and using up more time debating with myself and friends whether I should take a chance...whether he really is the one." Yulanne Cary, Mexico.
Females particularily fall under the influence of crushes. They're possessed and can't regain self-control until the crush has passed. Good students forget their studying; conservative students go out and buy revealing outfits in hope of being recognized; and the result? They either go out with the guy, dump him in half a year, or waste years thinking about the guy, go out with him, and dump him in 2 days.
Most high school guys are dumbasses, but unfortunately, crushes come with the additional side effect of "temporary blindness" and "loss of common sense." Doctor Brainsworth of California says, "Crushes actually alter the brain slightly. The section combining sight and common sense is hid behind a cloud we in the scientific community have named "stupedetee." Everyone outside of the community calls it "love." That is, until it fades. Then they call it what we call it."
With "stupedetee" a constant threat, crushes are only going to escalate in the next few years. Females especially will feel the wrath of this twisted disease. More and more will take up makeup and purses at younger and younger ages, and less will become of use in the future. Is our society doomed at the feet of crushes to produce a number of morons?
For the sake of time, I will end here. I hope that all of you have received an enlightening lesson on the perils of crushes, and will advise friends and family not to fall victim to the crushing disease. There are brochures on the table outside promoting the organization I cofounded: I-Don't-Need-No-Crush. If you wish to join, please feel free to call me at any time. My cell number is NOC-RUS-H4ME.
Thank you. *bows and audience claps*
*looks at audience in face* No joke.
*continues to pace* Gossip revolves around crushes. Secret diaries revolve around crushes. Sleepovers revolve around crushes. And with such astounding emphasis put on crushes, we, as a nation, are forced to consider this seemingly unimportant topic seriously. We are forced to ask: Are crushes destroying our society?
Most fail to remember the etymology of the word "crush." It is no coincidence that crushes were given their name. Crushes are crushing. They hurt, they give pain, they crush. 15-year-old Abby in Naperville Chicago says, "I've had this crush on a guy for 3 years now. He doesn't even look at me. I cry every night."
Academic issues are no longer of prime importance--they are not worth crying over. Family issues are put on the backburner--they can wait. But social problems? Now. Here. Cry. Or not now, not here, and don't cry. Call up a friend, wait 5 minutes, then wail.
"Bobby doesn't like me."
"Fred likes someone else."
"Richard didn't ask me to the dance!"
"What am I going to do???"
In another survey conducted by the National High School Industry, 56% of the teenage population attributed the majority of their tears to crushes. *looks at audience again for impact* This is compared to 21% who cried over other social problems, 10% who cried over school, 10% who cried over family, and 3% who cried over other problems.
56%. The figures are astounding.
"There's this guy I can't stop thinking about. I'll be in class, and he'll wave at me through the door, and I'll freeze and forget to take notes for the rest of the period." Maria Selyne, Lakewood Tenessee.
"I used to be a good student. I got straight A's, and went to Washington DC annually for contests. Then I met him, and nothing else seemed important." Jayne Woods, Florida.
Crushes have become the new best time waster. Teenagers get on AIM to rant about people they like, or write in their diary for hours talking about a smile, or a frown. Their work ethic disappears and their crush takes priority over everything else. What's worst is the teenagers can't help it.
"I know I shouldn't like this guy. And I'm doing my best to avoid him. But all I end up doing is thinking about him more, and using up more time debating with myself and friends whether I should take a chance...whether he really is the one." Yulanne Cary, Mexico.
Females particularily fall under the influence of crushes. They're possessed and can't regain self-control until the crush has passed. Good students forget their studying; conservative students go out and buy revealing outfits in hope of being recognized; and the result? They either go out with the guy, dump him in half a year, or waste years thinking about the guy, go out with him, and dump him in 2 days.
Most high school guys are dumbasses, but unfortunately, crushes come with the additional side effect of "temporary blindness" and "loss of common sense." Doctor Brainsworth of California says, "Crushes actually alter the brain slightly. The section combining sight and common sense is hid behind a cloud we in the scientific community have named "stupedetee." Everyone outside of the community calls it "love." That is, until it fades. Then they call it what we call it."
With "stupedetee" a constant threat, crushes are only going to escalate in the next few years. Females especially will feel the wrath of this twisted disease. More and more will take up makeup and purses at younger and younger ages, and less will become of use in the future. Is our society doomed at the feet of crushes to produce a number of morons?
For the sake of time, I will end here. I hope that all of you have received an enlightening lesson on the perils of crushes, and will advise friends and family not to fall victim to the crushing disease. There are brochures on the table outside promoting the organization I cofounded: I-Don't-Need-No-Crush. If you wish to join, please feel free to call me at any time. My cell number is NOC-RUS-H4ME.
Thank you. *bows and audience claps*
posted by Annie at 8:38 PM
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